You’re deep in conversation with a friend, bonding over life’s ups and downs, when suddenly his phone chimes and his gaze drifts down. He assures you that he’s still listening as he taps out a quick reply, but the spell is broken. Your connection is weakened; you feel hurt that he can’t resist the siren call of his screen.
You were snubbed for a phone—phubbed. This common behavior chips away at relationships and well-being, yet we still do it. Why?
90 Percent of People Are Doing It
Think about the last time you were with friends or family and ended up taking your phone out. It’s so easy to do! If the conversation lulls, it can seem harmless to fill that gap by quickly scanning texts or emails. Or, when things get boring, perhaps you browse online.How I See ‘You’ Versus ‘Me’
Say you’re running late for work and drive a little faster than usual (this isn’t an endorsement of speeding). Perhaps you aren’t paying close attention, and as you zoom around a corner, you surprise a pedestrian just about to step out into the road. You might say to yourself, “I have something important to get to; I’m not normally like this!” However, you simply seem like a reckless driver from the pedestrian’s point of view.
The more a partner used a phone mid-conversation, the less connected, engaged, and enjoyable the experience felt for the other person.
When directly asked, people said they could handle phone use and conversation simultaneously, but they felt that their partners struggled to do so effectively.
How Phones Compromise Cues Vital for Communication
Amid a steady increase of research on technology and relationships, a frequent conclusion is that phone use during social interactions distances people.Additionally, our mental capacities have limits. The human brain can really only have one concentrated focus at a time. Phone use drains the brain, making meaningful conversation difficult. As a result, we tend to rely on cursory responses such as “mm-hmm” and “yeah” more often and remember less when pressed for details.
Who Does Phubbing Hurt More?
Now for the “why” behind these biases: People felt their reasons for phubbing were valid yet saw their partners’ reasons as less important. In other cases, people perceived that they used their phones more for reasons relevant to the conversation than their partners. Perhaps you know someone who’s all too happy to Google something unsolicited on your behalf, only to reemerge several minutes later from a rabbit hole.Unfortunately, this goes beyond awkward faux pas. People attributed their partner’s phone use to diminished interest and dissatisfaction with them. Moreover, they saw their behaviors as willful—people were likely to think their partners knew the effect they were having but didn’t care. Once again, individuals saw their own behavior in a different light.
We are driven to use our phones because they make us feel good and seem innocuous, but when others do so, we may feel hurt that they would put trivial matters over our company despite our displeasure.
Given a classic human foible—the tendency to view ourselves more leniently than others—ubiquitous tech introduces new social challenges. It’s thus important to take an honest look in the mirror and perhaps reconsider how we can manage these challenges while preserving social connectedness.
The next time you reach for your phone, consider how others perceive your actions. One glance may seem innocuous, but small habits may undermine relationships over time.
