Parenting is a long journey, and how parents handle the stress and emotions that children can bring is a learning process. And just like your flight attendant will advise you to put on your own oxygen mask in an emergency, experts say you need to ensure your own well-being if you are going to help your children.
Parents must prioritize self-care, according to professor Alex Chan Chi-keung, the dean of the School of Arts and Humanities at Tung Wah College in Hong Kong.
“In simple terms, it means treating oneself well and loving oneself,” he said at a recent parenting event.
Although parents can hardly avoid emotions when disciplining their children, and having negative emotions is entirely normal, Mr. Chan advised against expressing these negative emotions immediately to children, as it isn’t helpful.
Managing Negative Emotions as a Parent
The professor encourages parents to use a set of exercises when facing the pressures of parenting or life:- Close your eyes, maintain silence, and take deep breaths: Inhale slowly and exhale slowly.
- Reflect on recent stressors related to parenting, setbacks in daily life, or even past failures in your personal growth. Allow these emotions to surface one by one.
- Open your palms. Visualize these emotions flowing into your hands.
- Take slow, deep breaths. Clench both fists and place them firmly on your chest. Breathe deeply with strength.
- Slowly exhale. Open your hands, allowing these negative emotions to manifest.
- Visualize a close friend of yours facing the same stressors: How would you encourage that friend? Would you give him or her a hug or a pat on the shoulder? Remember these words and actions.
- Now, consider yourself in the same situation: In the face of various difficulties, how would you encourage yourself, just as you would encourage your friend?
- Finally, hold yourself tightly with both hands, feeling the presence of your own life and recognizing your role as a significant figure in your child’s life (continue breathing in and out).
Unity Among Parents
Children are highly sensitive to their parents’ feelings, and parental unity is crucial in constructing a child’s sense of happiness, Mr. Chan said.
“If possible, parents should be on the same page and form an alliance, striving to make consistent decisions for their children,” he said.
“Even if there are times when both partners have different views, it’s best to observe quietly on the sidelines when the other is disciplining the child. Avoid contradicting your partner and calmly communicate with him or her later on. Never argue in front of the child.”
Acknowledging 3 Super Traits in Children
Cheung Yen, a registered counseling psychologist with the Hong Kong Psychological Society who also attended the forum, said she believes that recognizing and appreciating good traits in children can naturally enhance parent–child relationships.- Super loyalty. Children naturally attach to their parents, have unlimited trust in them, and are extremely loyal to their own families.
- Super dedication. Children always place their parents at the highest priority and are willing to make any sacrifices to keep them happy.
- Super affection with their parents (even as they grow up, they still try to fulfill their parents’ expectations).
